Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
i need to put some appletini on your dick
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
