happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I need a burrito and a hug.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
