there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
then he tried to convert me to islam
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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