i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you would pick up someone in the library
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
