Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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