and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
