Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
