How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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