I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
