if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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