i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
