Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
