He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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