nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
