my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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