u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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