I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
