I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
