Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
