He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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