Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
