I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
