Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
