Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
