Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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