I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
