The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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