I never want to see another naked old woman again.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
