her vagine was all disorganized.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize