it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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