He uses pillows to masturbate.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize