Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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