put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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