Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
