You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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