You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
