Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
