Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
