he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
