there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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