I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
