In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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