i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
