If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
