this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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