Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Randomize
