Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
That's how pantless uber rides happen
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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