oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
