i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
