My first STD was from a foam party
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
