no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
