I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
