I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
