Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
