I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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