Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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