i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
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